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Friday, August 7, 2020

F³ Slow Business

It was a slow day, meaning that a few hours went by both without any clients or people attempting to kill me. Not only that, the prank callers had decided I wasn’t worth their time, so I got to enjoy the rare pleasure of reading an interesting history on the rituals of the Early Christian church. Since the majority of my cases tied to Christian mythology in some form, it was good to have this stuff at my command.

The giggles from the outer office, though, broke my concentration, especially when it turned to uproarious laughter. I was about to see what Jessie and Jen were laughing at when my cell rang.

“Hey, Nikki.”

“Matthew, I have great need of you.” There was a note of urgency in her voice, but the words didn’t reflect it.

“What’s up?”

“A fierce and powerful bloodlust, like none I’ve ever encountered before. Only you can help me.”

“No offense, Nikki, but I don’t want to be around you when there’s a bloodlust. What happened?”

“I am in a near-frenzy, Matthew. It surges within me and I cannot help myself. If unchecked I shall unleash my terrible lust and rage on those around me.”

I pulled the phone away from my ear, looking at it in disbelief.

Why does she sound like she’s reciting from a bad movie? Is this Vengeance of Vampire Vixens?

More giggles erupted from the outer office.

That can’t be a coincidence.

“Right. So what am I supposed to do about that?”

“I need you, Matthew. I need you to bring me around to my senses. Only the Bonded One can do what is necessary. You must restrain me, bend me across your lap with your powerful limbs, and spank me. Only such discipline will provide me with the necessary release and return me to my senses.”

Her voice twitched at the end, there, and I put the pieces together of what I was dealing with.

“Well, I suppose if it’s what needs to be done, I guess I’ll do it, you know, as the Bonded One, whatever that means.”

I muted my phone and walked to the outer office. Jen and Jessie were huddled around shared earphones. Jen’s laptop was open to a website called “Romantic Paranormal Encounters” and had a fanfiction forum open.

Nikki continued, “With powerful blows to my pert derriere you can cause a cascade of sensations within me, allowing the pain to quell the terrible lust within that burns forever—”

I unmuted the phone and interrupted. “I’m onto the scam,” I announced to everyone.

I put Nikki on speakerphone. “Oh, Thank the powers above, that was painful,” she said.

Jen and Jessie reacted like cats caught in the aquarium, but laughed like crazy all the same.

“You two,” I pointed to Jen and Jessie, “I told you not to look at those fanfiction sites, especially the romantic vampire ones.”

“Aww, it’s so slow,” Jessie complained.

Jen looked suitably abashed.

 “For the record,” I announced, “spanking, sex, and even dismemberment is not enough to stop a vampire’s bloodlust. As far as I know, only blood can stop it.”

“I have not exhausted the permutations of sex to rule it out, Matthew.”

“When you do, and if you find one that works, let me know.” I ended the call.

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