I found myself returning to the Festhall as much as possible, each time scrounging or stealing what coin I needed to feel the rain on my face again. The City of Doors, while not fully enclosed, didn't experience much in the way of weather or seasons. It simply existed in a perpetual way that made time immaterial. The only rain happened in tiny snatches in different parts of the city, seemingly at some greater entity's whim, and seldom where I was.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Amidst all the changes both in job and perspective, it’s easy to lose track of things. It’s easy to overlook, become bogged down, and become frustrated with everything going on. It’s a habit where the most imperative gets accommodated first, and it’s easy to shove other things to the side, but I’m determined to carry on despite the changes. I intend to move forward in all things.
When the newness wears off, I don’t’ want to have pieces to pick up. I want to have the burdens shouldered and be able to carry on without a misstep.
Monday, January 27, 2014
In the past I’ve been both distracted and detracted from writing. The job of teaching has weighed on me to the point where I both did not have the time and energy (detractions) to write or I did not have the concentration (distraction) to write. With my new paradigm shift (without a clutch) I’m minimizing the distractions and detractions to focus on more creative endeavors.
Hopefully it will pay off. Hopefully my new direction will not provide new detractions and distractions.
Friday, January 24, 2014
I wandered out of this "Hive" as they call it, finally scraping together enough food and courage to wander afield. It is not hard to recognize the city's guards, more by their rigid walks and constant glares at anything. Others are more difficult, especially as there are few commonalities among them. Every citizen is different. Sure, there are humans, dwarves, elves, and other various species I recognize, but then there are the bariaur, tieflings, githzerai, aasimars, and hundreds of others. I can see demons and devils that were used to frighten me as a child, famous by their descriptions and menacing presence, but there are no undead that I have seen.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
I’ve had a good number of jobs in my life, even counting a stint as a professional student. But I haven’t had a career yet. I haven’t run into that profession (where I’ve actually been paid) to do something for that kind of time.
The only career I can really imagine at this point is that of a writer, and while I’ve gotten some pay for that, it’s not been anything sustainable, yet. I still have hopes to make this happen and have been pushing this as one of my new directions.
I’m not just hopeful or optimistic that this will become my career, but excited. I love the idea of writing novels and putting them out there. I know I can do this as a career, even on a deadline. I have dozens of ideas waiting to be written down and birthed into the world.
Like many careers, writing is one that must be broken into, and is hard-fought to achieve, but even with repeated delays I have not given up hope and continue to work towards it.
Monday, January 20, 2014
I’ve always loved chess and strategy games. It’s a different kind of puzzle, one that pits my mind against a specific set of challenges, challenges that cannot be solved blind repetition and dogged determination. I must think to overcome.
I suppose that’s why I’ve always loved Sun Tzu’s Art of War. The perspectives and philosophies in the book speak to me, and are applicable to so much beyond simple battlefield conflict. There is merit in applying what he teaches to every aspect of life, and to take a look at life from a different angle, to see the pieces on the board in a new way.
In this way I can discover new moves.
Friday, January 17, 2014
I've come to learn that one of the names of this city is "the Cage," which seems something of a misnomer to me. Another of its nicknames is the "City of Doors," which is much more appropriate. If anything, my old home is the cage. In this city, I see portals appear with almost startling regularity. Its citizens move back and forth to different planes of existence as frequently as crossing the street. Hardly an hour goes by when there isn't a flash as a portal is activated. I have become very cautious about moving through archways, taking my time to make sure that I do not carry anything that might activate them for fear of returning to my old home.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
I was at church one Sunday in December talking to a friend there about work, and the various things that have been going on, and some of the decisions I am beginning to now implement. His words still stick with me: “I’ve known you for a couple of years, and I’ve never seen you so unhappy.”
I didn’t realize that my unhappiness was so noticeable. I didn’t realize just how unhappy I’ve been. It was something of a wakeup call that my morale was so badly degraded. I think that my idea of slowly wading into something new wouldn’t have even worked because of my morale. I think I needed an immediate change to make me focus on the new and to leave behind that which has been eating away at me.
Monday, January 13, 2014
There’s sort of an anticlimactic resignation about this semester. It’s hear. And while I intend to do the best job that I can, much of the joy has gone out of teaching. There’s no single source for the loss of joy. It’s pretty much across the spectrum. I can hope things will improve, but I’m not expecting it.
Maybe this semester will be different.
I can hope. A little.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Markun and I trudged in memoried storytelling. We traded stories about Alistair, though most of them were Markun telling me the stories. A large number of them involved taverns, drinking, and Markun starting a bar fight. I liked the one where Alistair had been thrown on top of the chandelier by a half-ogre.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Over the years I’ve been cultivating many different paths for myself, and even been stretching myself too thin as I tried to focus on certain ones more than others. I’ve still got a full plate in front of me, but I’m reorganizing the portions. Hopefully that will keep me from stretching myself too thin.
I’ve learned that certain paths carry with them inherent disadvantages, effects that wear at me mentally, emotionally, and physically. Fortunately, some of the other paths have been buoying me up. Those are the ones that I am going to focus on, now.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Part of what makes a new beginning difficult is that it’s unknown and a shift from the normal. New things disrupt our lives and take getting used to. I’m pretty good at adjusting to changes, even embracing them, but adaptation really does take time.
I was already leaning into this new direction, anyway, but it’s become more abrupt than I would have liked. I wanted more easing into it. I wanted to take my time to learn and wade in at my own pace.
But then we don’t always get what we want.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
In the constant revolving door of the day-to-day, beginnings and endings are hard to truly track. Even such well-known and marked days as New Year’s don’t leave much of a mark on lives. The number of years, birthdays, and Christmases don’t make an effect.
Landmark events in our lives, though, do. Those times of actual change in our lives leave an impression.
First day of school. First kiss. First date. Driving a car. Graduation. Wedding. Birth of a child. Death of a loved one. There are of course, lesser marks that make impressions.
After reflecting on the past few years, taking into account my feelings, I think it’s time to consider a new career path.
A new beginning. And like all beginnings, a little frightening.
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