M³ Close Still Counts

Okay, so the thunderbolt was deflected, but that’s okay. Like with horseshoes, hand grenades, and tactical nuclear weapons, close counts with thunderbolts. The thunderbolt travels through the ground and hits Anchises that way. It doesn’t kill him, but it weakens his legs to the point he can’t stand on his own any more. He has been struck lame, even worse than Hephaestus.

M³ Thunderbolt Aftershock

When you brag about sexually conquering a goddess, you can expect Zeus to be ticked off. He hurls a thunderbolt down at Anchises. Zeus, it must be said, is a good aim with his thunderbolts. They are his weapon of choice and has had to face down many titanic opponents (including his father) with them. He’s not going to miss. So it’s a safe bet that Anchises is a dead man.

M³ Godly Natures

So the cosmos is at risk of repeating an endless loop of gods and goddesses undoing each others’ work due to their own petty obsessions, but there’s a bigger problem. The gods are specialized in nature. Artemis is goddess of the hunt, Apollo the sun, Demeter of agriculture, Poseidon the sea, etc. These specialized domains belong only to those certain gods. Yes, there is some overlap. Hera and Zeus both have prophecy. Apollo shares the hunt with his sister, and he and Helios share the sun.

M³ Law vs. Chaos

Zeus made law (no one knows when because it’s only brought up in this story) that no god will be able to undo the actions of another. So, really, he can’t undo what Hera did.

Why make such a law in the first place, though? Most laws in the human world tend to form as part of a reactionary process. Bad things get done, then we finally get our act together and come up with something that says, we shouldn’t do this thing. This thing, whatever it is, is detrimental to society in some fashion.

With Zeus, we don’t see him set up very many laws. There is the law regarding messing with Hestia, the law of hospitality, and now the law about undoing the actions of another god. We’ve discussed the importance of Hestia and the law of hospitality with Odysseus and Polyphemus. We know that when Zeus actually lays down a law, it’s a big deal, like kind of universe-shaking deal.

This latest law we have is on the same level, and potentially universe-ending if not followed. As we’ve seen by examining the other gods, they’re not exactly the most thoughtful and stable bunch. They tend to follow their whims very easily, and lash out in the same way. They also struggle against one another using human proxies.

With Teiresias, Hera takes out her anger against him. With other gods such as Demeter, she lashed out against Erysichthon, causing him an endless hunger. Was it justified? Most of these transgressions generally are not by modern standards. If one of the gods felt that he had been treated poorly, he or she could have undone Demeter’s handiwork and that would be an end to it, except for Demeter’s ire. So what’s the harm?

If Zeus would simply undo what Hera did, what’s to stop her from re-doing it in the first place once Zeus isn’t around? The same goes for Demeter or Athena or Artemis. Where would this undoing and re-doing ever end? No progress would ever be made as everything would be trapped in an endless cycle of reversing the changes done by another.

The other reason concerns the nature of the gods themselves, coming up next week.

M³ Gender Reassignment

            So, the stories of Zeus have been on the heavy-handed side for a while. It’s time we do one that’s actually kind of fun, especially one that is so bizarre. Today we examine the story of Teiresias.

            One day, Zeus and Hera had an argument (shocker). The argument was about who gets more pleasure from sex. Zeus says it’s women, and Hera says it’s men. How do you solve such a disagreement? You consult an expert who has been both. They go to talk to Teiresias.

            So, Teiresias was on a journey when he came across two snakes joined together in, um, okay, they were having sex. I will not deny that Teiresias is something of a voyeur and perv for watching the snakes go at it, and he’s a real jerk because he took his staff and smacked the snakes. Instead of breaking them up, well, some kind of weird magic took place and Teiresias suddenly became a woman.

            He was that way for seven years until he came across the same two snakes going at it again, and thought, “Hmm, if I hit them with my staff again, I will change back to a man.”

            I have no idea what kind of messed up, stupid logic led him to this conclusion. I must stress this to everyone, if you come across a pair of snakes having sex, do not, DO NOT hit them with a stick. Just imagine how upset you would be if you were finally managing to get some and a weirdo smacks you with a stick. You would probably bite the guy, or break his skull open or something.

            But Teiresias was right in his deduction, and he becomes a man again. Thus, armed with the proper experience to adjudicate Zeus and Hera’s argument, they pay him a visit. Now, having experienced the pettiness of the other gods, we know that it’s probably not a good idea to give a god an answer that he or she does not like. Adjudicating such an argument between gods is a recipe for disaster.

            My advice, try not to have completely unique cosmic experiences. That way, disagreeing gods will not visit you and demand you choose between them. The more you know.

            So, the two show up and put T to the question. His verdict: women get more pleasure from sex. Zeus wins the argument.

            Now, one would think that if you’re going to piss of a god no matter what, you don’t want to piss off the king of the gods, so this was a wise move on T’s part. Can we trust his answer is truthful? He does have motive to lie, assuming he thinks he can get away with it. As a general rule, it’s not a good idea to lie to gods. Sure, they’re not omniscient, but they are very knowledgeable. Zeus, especially, would be good at sniffing out a bluff. He’s had some experience at politics.

Hera isn’t exactly a pushover, either. She’s knowledgeable in her own right, used to ferreting out Zeus’s illicit affairs and punishing his lovers and illicit offspring. I don’t think it’s in T’s best interest to try lying. The payoff just isn’t there.

If he lies, he risks pissing off both of them because the implication is that he thinks they’re stupid. If he tells the truth, he’ll only piss off one. So, we can be reasonably sure that his verdict is truth. So, ladies, you get more pleasure in bed than men. It’s a fact, now. We can cite the case with Teiresias as precedent.

Of course, because Zeus wins, that means Hera is mightily ticked off. She blinds Teiresias. Completely, totally blind. Which, as far as curses go, is actually pretty mild compared to the likes of what Demeter, Artemis, and Athena have done.

Now Zeus is here, but he doesn’t reverse the blindness. The reason is pretty interesting, and has important implications.

Stay tuned.

M³ Men vs. Gods

            Okay, so we have to break this all down. Zeus, by providing Pandora is enabling a method for humanity to learn and grow past their mistakes. Sure, they have to suffer through some stuff to do so, but he also threw in hope to make sure it was possible to grow.

            Zeus goes on to father heroes, providing examples for what humanity should aspire to, what they have the potential to become, whether it’s Perseus using his wits and Batman-esque items to save the day and rescuing Andromeda from her blaspheming parents or Hercules setting aside his own pride to atone for actions under madness.

            Lastly, we have the realization of the human potential in heroes such as Diomedes and Odysseus, representing physical and mental prowess of humanity, respectively. The question we’re faced with, though, is why does Zeus want this?

            We’re on shakier ground, here. Zeus, being Zeus, never comes right out and states his purpose. We’re going to have to infer his purpose from the evidence at hand. The actions are too deliberate to think it’s accidental. We know that he wants humanity to grow.

            Furthermore, we know that Zeus is something of a politician. He can make alliances, and he doesn’t renege on them. He was honest in his dealings with the Cyclopes and Hundred Handed-ones.

            He forgave the Olympians for their attempted coup, asking only an oath from them.

            He is adaptable. He can adjust what he’s doing and change his own behaviors. He is a fierce opponent resorting to brutality when he feels it’s justified, will avoid entanglements in his mediations between the gods, even relying on his mother Rhea (yes, the one he raped) to mediate between Demeter and Hades.

            Out of all the Greek gods, he is the most skillful and adaptable, mostly because the others, as we’ have seen, are incapable of change in any way. They are the way they are. Forever.

            But with humanity, there is a race that can change and grow, and they have done so at a phenomenal pace, cosmically speaking. In a few dozen generations, human heroes have shown that they can challenge titans (Odysseus defeating Polyphemus) and the Olympian gods (Diomedes routing Ares). It’s only a matter of time until they will be able to rise up as an entire people to become more powerful than the gods themselves.

            The only gods they will be able to replace, though, are the gods who cannot change, meaning the rest of the Olympian gods. Zeus himself, however, will be immune to them as he will continue to grow and change even as the people do. Moreover, he has been their patron from the beginning, skillfully manipulating events to most benefit them without the other gods ever knowing.

            Could they ever rise up in power enough to challenge him? Well, sure. But then, that’s just the pattern established since the beginning of time in Greek mythology. The son replaces the father. Zeus, however, will not be replaced by the likes of the unchanging Olympians, who have proven themselves spiteful and petty in their disputes. The god who eventually replaces Zeus will be a worthy successor capable of the same growth as Zeus himself, if there’s ever even a need to replace such a skillful and capable king of the Gods.

M³ Zeus Doesn't Tell

            So Zeus is capable of growth where the other gods are not. Zeus also has his eyes on humanity to be something special. After we factor in Prometheus, Pandora, all the heroes, especially Hercules and Diomedes, the guy has been planning something big. But why is he maneuvering behind the scenes? With Pandora he concocted the idea that it was all a punishment. Why?

He hid his involvement with heroes behind adulterous affairs, playing them off as nothing important beyond them being his children. He didn’t raise them or pay any special attention to them. Why?

Well, as we’ve seen, the Greek gods are pretty petty. They lash out and inflict horrible punishments on mortals for small crimes (poor, poor Teiresias). It’s just who they are. Not only that, they fight amongst themselves. If they’re not lashing out at mortals who committed crimes, they’re arguing with one another . . . and lashing out at mortals in the process. In that respect, they really are a family, as some of the worst fights in history happen inside of families.

Now, you’re Zeus (temporarily, so don’t let the power go to your head or other places) you have a plan. It’s a cunning plan. An intricate, cunning plan involving humanity that will take hundreds of years (maybe thousands), requiring constant nudging in the process. It’s very delicate. At any point, the whole thing could just collapse, and it’s back to square one.

Do you tell your family, who are fond of fighting with one another? Let’s not forget their habit of transforming and punishing humanity on a whim. What are the odds that they are going to think that this intricate, cunning plan is a good idea, especially since it favors what the gods consider to be lesser beings? What are the odds that they would understand this plan in the first place? I mean, I think Athena would get it, but I’m not confident about the others, especially Ares or Dionysus.

He doesn’t have a choice but to hide his plan because the others wouldn’t support it. They would completely screw things up because they can’t get along with one another or because they want to punish humanity. Zeus has to maneuver in unexpected ways, covering his tracks with other actions. In this respect, he’s absolutely brilliant. He disguises the creation of humanity’s role models with his own affairs, creating the illusion that he cannot control himself, that he is a slave to his own passions instead of carefully maneuvering things just right.

Pandora, including all of her godly gifts, will be a punishment to humanity because she’ll let loose the plagues that will ultimately teach humanity to overcome adversity, to rise to any challenge, up to the point that Diomedes can openly challenge gods on a battlefield.

M³ Exceptional Zeus

            Having gone through many of the other Greek gods, we’ve come around to the idea that they’re pretty childish and static. They have petty squabbles and their punishments are often blown way out of proportion. So now we have to apply the same evaluation to Zeus. Is he childish and static?

            It would be easy to say that because he raped his mother and sister and that he’s such a hornball and pretty much raped everyone he ever slept with, yes, he’s childish. He’s got daddy issues and never learned how to have a proper relationship.

            Except!

            (Yeah, you just knew there would be an exception.)

            Except for forging alliances with the Cyclopes and Hundred Handed ones. Except for forgiving the gods after their attempted coup. Except for the order he brought to the word by siring so many of the other gods and spirits. Except for putting hope in the jar. Except for giving humanity the perfect woman. Except for siring so many of the Greek heroes. Except for quitting his adulterous affairs cold turkey after the birth of Hercules.

            That’s a lot of exceptions.

            When we put them all together, we come up with a bigger pattern to Zeus. Did he have sex and rape lots of women? Yes. Are we okay with that? As a modern culture, definitely not. The Ancient Greeks, though, were simply looking to explain the world around them, which was a harsh world full of, well, rape and sex.

            In the process of all of this rape and sex, though, Zeus brought law even to the gods, fostered order through the universe, allowed experience and wisdom to temper the fire of knowledge, and gave humanity heroes to aspire to be. Zeus has had a plan this entire time, subtly moving pieces on the board to complete his strategy. This goes beyond cunning. He changes, freely.

He didn’t know beforehand that the gods would attempt a coup. He didn’t know Prometheus would steal fire. He didn’t know which woman he needed to sleep with to bring about Hercules. But he was able to adjust and respond to the situations as they presented themselves. He tempered his anger—which was legendary—with mercy, something the other gods and goddesses never did.

            Zeus is anything but static, and he clearly changes. This is a very big deal in a pantheon where the norm is childish behavior, but something we would expect from a king, who has to mediate and rule over the kingdom. He is doing this even though it appears as if he’s not, which is also a remarkable feat.

M³ Zeus's Job

            So, now that Zeus has established that he will no longer be a tyrant, what, exactly, does he do as king?

            Pause for jokes about who Zeus does.

            You got it out of your system, yet?

            Okay, I’ll wait.

M³ Zeus The Playa

            It goes without saying, but Zeus has slept around many, many, many, many times. I’m sure many a psychologist has thought about replacing the term hypersexual with just a picture of Zeus. He is responsible for siring anywhere between 1/4 to 1/3 of the Greek gods. It’s just insane how many times he has slept with goddesses other than his wife.

M³ Zeus Supreme Dicktator

            So Zeus is established as head of Olympus. But, y’know, he’s not really a nice guy. In fact, he insists on his way or retribution by thunderbolt. He also gets a free pass. He sleeps around with whomever (and whatever) he wants and mistreats everyone. It’s so bad that Hera forms a conspiracy with some of the other gods. They tie Zeus up, and are ready to depose him, to toss him in with the titans for all eternity.

M³ Blushing Bride

            Previously on Zeus, Rise of the Storm King (What? I have poetic license.) Zeus took down his dad Cronus and cut his siblings free of dad’s stomach, and, um, raped his mother. Now that he’s free he needs to consolidate his power, and one of the best ways to do that is to marry. For his bride he chooses his sister Hera. But, well, she’s not exactly willing to marry him. Might be that whole thing where Zeus raped his mother Rhea that put her off, or maybe because the whole reason Rhea forbid him to marry was that he would be a womanizer who would perpetually cheat on any wife.

M³ Zeus's Mommy Issues

            Okay, I need to warn about this one. It gets bad, way, way fast. As in sexually bad. As in rape. It’s a Greek myth, so well, that’s something you have to get used to seeing in their stories.

M³ Zeus's Daddy Issues

            So Zeus has daddy issues. Not like how most people have daddy issues. Cronus wants to literally eat Zeus to prevent his wife Rhea from spending any time with the kids. He might also be worried one of them might supplant him as king of the gods.

            Cronus has already done this with all of the other kids, but Rhea pulled a switcheroo when it came to Zeus. She wrapped a rock in a blanket. Cronus fell for it.

M3 Counterparts

            The elevation of Persephone to Queen of the Underworld ends up leveling the playing field of the Greek hierarchy. Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades each stand as rulers of a separate domain (sky, earth, and underworld, respectively). Now, though, each of these men has a female counterpart with as much or more power than the man. After witnessing Demeter’s mastery over crops and agriculture, her power over the earth cannot be denied. While Poseidon is the Earthshaker himself, Demeter’s power has a far more personal and lasting effect on humanity. People can survive the occasional earthquake, but not so much a crop failure.

            Likewise, Hades has Persephone as his counterpart. While he tends toward dignified repose, she can dish out the punishment, and is more to be feared than Hades is. Certainly she feels a large degree of independence, as well, for her to go ahead and have an affair with Adonis, particularly when Zeus gets involved to decree Adonis’s disposition.

            Zeus has his own female counterpart, but I’m not quite prepared to tell you who it is. We’ve just had 13 straight weeks of Persephone, so I think we need a bit of a hiatus from the Greeks. I’m thinking something Biblical for a bit.

            You want a hint about Zeus’s counterpart? Why? I’m not . . . fine. Okay, here’s a hint. He’s related to her. Yeah, I know, that’s not shocking since he’s related to most of the gods and goddesses. Well, too bad. Just deal with it for now. I’ll also say that she’s probably the most powerful of the Greek goddesses, putting all the others to shame with sheer scale of her power.

            Yep, that was another tease. Deal with it.

M3 The Dread Queen

            Core, now under her married name of Persephone, is a force to be reckoned with, and not always a nice one. The level of power she now has is, frankly, staggering. And she seems to use that power quite easily, and to bring about fear in people.

            When people speak of Hades, it’s usually with respect, and by calling him “mighty.” Persephone, though, is a different story. She is seen, not unlike Galadriel, as a beautiful and terrible queen. Odysseus, who openly flaunted Poseidon’s power and deliberately blinded his son Polyphemus is wary of Persephone’s great power: “does Proserpine want to lay a still further load of grief upon me” he asks of his mother.

            From that line, we can tell that he believes Persephone (Proserpine is the Roman spelling) is the one who hands down harsh punishments. She and Hades share this realm, but she is the one Odysseus attributes responsibility to for his grief.

            A little more explanation about that. It’s important to note that Odysseus isn’t actually suffering from anything done by Persephone. Rather, it’s that the automatically assigns the responsibility to her that’s more important. He does this readily, which tells us that Persephone has this reputation about her.

            We aren’t privy much to Core’s temperament prior to the kidnaping, and the crying seems very girlish, but that girl from before is not who she is now. Now she is Persephone, the Queen of the Underworld. She is powerful, sometimes cruel, and has no problem with making people suffer (again, an extension of how Odysseus readily assigns blame).

            Persephone is almost always referred to as the Queen of the Underworld, yet Hades is seldom referred to as the King of the Underworld. The only king readily within the Greek pantheon is actually Zeus as King of the Gods. It’s interesting that she would have the title of Queen, then, denoting not just the elevated power she now has, but also the status.

M3 Gentleman Hades

            The myth of Persephone stands out as a point where a god has the opportunity and even the motive to rape a woman, but chooses not to. Yes, he—technically—kidnaps Core, but this is mostly due to Zeus waffling over an answer. Hades did the right thing in going to Zeus and asking for permission to marry Core. This is unheard of in mythology.

M3 Zeus's Smarts

            Zeus, king of the gods, is very hands-off when it comes to the whole situation with Core, Demeter, and Hades. In fact, he makes an appeal to a higher power in order for any movement to be made. He realizes that he will be unable to get either Demeter or Hades to budge. A mother will not be without her daughter, and Hades is smitten with love.

            Yes, smitten.

            So with two forces that refuse to move and make headway, Zeus takes the only rational course of action. He tells on them.

M3 Hades's Domain

            So, Zeus can’t work Demeter over. He simply has no way to leverage her. She has all the power when it comes to crops, so Zeus has no choice but to work on hades. But the thing is he’s also stonewalled as he doesn’t “want to offend Hades.”

M3 Demeter's Loss

            Welcome to a new year where we’re going to begin off M³ with a bang and tackle the myth of Persephone. Buckle up, this one’s intense.

            Our story begins with Hades, who’s a lonely kind of guy, and has his eye on Core (who will become Persephone, later). Instead of behaving like all the other Greek gods and simply ravaging her, Hades approaches and asks Zeus for permission to marry her. Seeking out dad’s permission is very old-school, and classy on Hades’s part, even if she is Hades’s niece at the same time (Yes, it’s incest, but it’s the Greeks. What are you going to do?).