M³ Evolving Woman

Throughout the Greek pantheon, we’ve seen evidence of stagnation, of an inability to change. Yet we just looked at story of Aphrodite picking up the craft of weaving. Athena invented this craft, yet Aphrodite became skilled enough to make Athena want to renounce her claim to weaving altogether.

M³ Working Woman

One day, Aphrodite got curious and started weaving on a loom. Eventually, Athena caught her at this. We all know Athena is pretty possessive when it comes to weaving. She invented the craft and turned Arachne into a spider because of it. So we can expect something will happen here. We want it to be a Catfight of Epic Proportions™.

M³ Winning Is Everything

So Aphrodite cheats the court’s decision. No, she doesn’t flat out break the rules as that would not be allowed. The details of the case are that Adonis gets four months to spend however he wishes. Now if he chooses to spend it with one of the goddesses, that’s his choice, except when it’s not.

M³ Pretty Boy

So Persephone has the chest, and Aphrodite expects her not to open it, but we all know what happens when you give a box to someone in mythology: they open it. Okay, yes, Pandora didn’t open a box, she opened a jar, but we all know what we meant. Besides, squeezing an infant into a jar is just not practical.

On finding the boy, she raises him to manhood, which means Aphrodite has been gone for a while or the kid grows freakishly fast. After he’s a man, Persephone takes him on as her lover. Yeah, it’s kind of awkward, isn’t it? Even though Persephone is in no way related to him, she still raised him. So now we have a pseudo-incestuous relationship, here. Remember the side effects of parenting according to mythology? Yeah.

Anyway, Aphrodite finds out about this, and wants the kid back because she wanted Adonis for the same reason.

Does anyone else hear David Lee Roth’s cover of “Just A Gigolo / I Ain’t Got Nobody”? Just me? Well, okay then.

So Adonis’s only value to these two goddesses is for his body. It gets so bad that the matter actually goes to trial. Now, Zeus is a smart cookie, as we’ve seen, and what we’ve got here is a court case between two of his daughters, arguing over the man with whom they wish to cheat on their husbands with. Yeah, no way he’s going to get into that one.

He transfers the case (which is something he does quite frequently) to another court. Judge Calliope (of the Muses) gets jurisdiction. She more or less goes the Solomon route, here, dividing the year into thirds so that each goddess gets four months and Adonis gets time to himself, which I thought was considerate of Calliope to think that the guy might want some time to, you know, live his own life.

We are dealing with gods, though, and no story can end that simply. Aphrodite cheats.

M³ Stashed Away

So, yeah, it’s weird being born from a tree. But it’s Greek myth, what’re you going to do? As stated before, Aphrodite feels a bit responsible for the death of Smyrna, so she took the baby and locked him in a box. Perfectly normal thing to do, right? Mythologies around the world agree that this produces perfectly well-adjusted people, so you can throw away your parenting manuals.

Please don’t follow the advice of mythology on parenting.

M³ Atypical Godly Feeling

So, there’s a baby born from a tree, whose name happens to be Adonis. Yes, the very good-looking Adonis, and we will get to the details of that particular story soon. Before that, though, we have to examine something very curious. After Adonis is born, “Aphrodite, already repenting of the mischief that she had made, concealed Adonis in a chest.”

M³ Love Is in The Air

Never, ever, ever boast about a trait or skill as being better than one of the gods. It’s a lesson that apparently bears repeating despite having been through this before. Unfortunately, the wife of King Cinryas boasted that her daughter, Smyrna, was more beautiful than Aphrodite.

M³ Close Still Counts

Okay, so the thunderbolt was deflected, but that’s okay. Like with horseshoes, hand grenades, and tactical nuclear weapons, close counts with thunderbolts. The thunderbolt travels through the ground and hits Anchises that way. It doesn’t kill him, but it weakens his legs to the point he can’t stand on his own any more. He has been struck lame, even worse than Hephaestus.

M³ Thunderbolt Aftershock

When you brag about sexually conquering a goddess, you can expect Zeus to be ticked off. He hurls a thunderbolt down at Anchises. Zeus, it must be said, is a good aim with his thunderbolts. They are his weapon of choice and has had to face down many titanic opponents (including his father) with them. He’s not going to miss. So it’s a safe bet that Anchises is a dead man.

M³ Mortal Love

If the affair was orchestrated by Aphrodite, well, she’s mostly satisfying her own lust, and possibly just emulating dear old (adopted) dad by chasing after mortals.

This particular mortal is Anchises, a prince of Troy. And whether it was Aphrodite acting alone or Zeus manipulating the chess pieces, Aphrodite eventually reveals herself to be a goddess to Anchises. She warns him, though, that he can’t tell anyone he’s sleeping with a goddess, or Zeus will get angry and strike him down.

M³ Arranged Affair

Stories vary about the exact circumstances of this. Some say Zeus set up Aphrodite to fall in love, others say she chose out and seduced the mortal. If it was Zeus who set it up, we have to explore the exact reasons for this given how he called Hephaestus a fool.

M³ Sex & Marriage

Aphrodite will not be tamed, even by Zeus. He decided to give her to Hephaestus to try and keep her contained and to get Hephaestus to make him all the good toys, especially his thunderbolts. Hephaestus, inspired by Aphrodite’s great beauty, makes her legendary girdle, a belt woven of gold that enhances her beauty even more. It is so potent that, on occasion, Hera borrows the girdle so that she can entice Zeus into bed instead of going off and having another affair.

M³ Seashells on The Seashore

After hitting the Bible pretty hard, let’s move on to lighter fare. I have been putting off a deep analysis of the goddess of love, Aphrodite. Every treatment I’ve seen of her in articles, film, and fiction has tended to treat her as somewhat vapid and very one-dimensional, but that portrayal is similar to many analyses of Zeus. However, like Zeus, when we look at the totality of her myths, a bigger, more revealing picture of her begins to emerge.

M³ The (Hebrew) Underworld

Jacob and Joseph die at the end of Genesis. Sorry, spoilers. We have an interesting passage at the end where Jacob dies, where he “breathed his last, and was gathered to his people,” (Gen 49:33). His people are not his family. They were already gathered around him in life, so what is going on with this description?

M³ Switching It up

Before Jacob dies, his last official act is to bless Joseph’s sons. Joseph presents them in order, putting the oldest on Jacob’s right, and the youngest on the left, which is the proper, traditional method of delivery such blessings. The oldest should receive the blessing first and the best blessing, yet Jacob subverts expectations once again.

M³ You're Adopted

Abraham was converted to the covenant via ritual. It was a bargain to be struck, but his offspring were born into it, as were Isaac’s offspring, and Jacob’s. The general rule has been that a wife must be part of the covenant in order to give birth to children who are in the covenant. Since Asenath is not part of the covenant, they must be brought in via ritual.

M³ Family Reunion

So, after Benjamin is held in Egypt, the brothers go home and return with the rest of the family, including dear old father Jacob. Yes, there’s the typical tearful reunion, but it’s interesting we don’t have much in the way of recriminations for what happened to Joseph.

M³ Joseph's Trauma

Okay, Joseph, he’s been through some stuff. Like heavy-duty PTSD. His brothers beat and sold him into slavery, his boss’ wife tried to seduce him and cried rape, his boss sent him to prison, and spent two years longer in there than he should have thanks to the cupbearer he did a solid for. Sure, he came out on top, but experiences like that affect people for a long, long time.

M³ Family Trauma

Okay, so what’s with Joseph? Why is he torturing his brothers and father like this? Why can’t he let bygones-be-bygones? Well, the simple explanation is that this story is very human. By that I mean we can’t expect people to behave in a strictly rational fashion. Emotions are involved, and they get messy, and we’re not just talking about Joseph’s emotions.

M³ Joseph Puppet Master

Despite Jacob’s feelings, the reality is that there’s no food. The brothers need to return to Egypt, and they need to take Benjamin. Of course, it can’t be that straightforward as Joseph is really into manipulating his brothers.