I did my best to remain conscious through the soul-deadening music and occasional pert voice instructing me to use the company’s website, but after half an hour, I had difficulty maintaining.
“Thank you for holding, how may I help you?” a monotone man’s voice said.
“Wow, an actual person. My name’s Matt Allen, and I’m a current customer. I’d like to increase my insurance coverage.”
“No, it’s A-L-L-E-N.”
“Okay, Mr. Allen, what kind of coverage would you like to add?”
“Well, I’ve already got liability and comprehensive, but I’ve recently started consulting with the police, and, according to them, I need to provide adequate insurance for my vehicle. I don’t want a repeat of last time.”
“So what kind of coverage do you need?”
“Um, well, I’m not exactly sure what it’s called. Do you have anything for high risk situations, I guess.”
“I’m not sure. Can you give me an example?”
“Well, last time a guy set fire to my car.”
“That should be covered under comprehensive insurance.”
“That’s not what the adjuster told me last time.”
“Well, vandalism is covered under—“
“Well, it wasn’t vandalism, not like you’re thinking, more like an attack.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Well, a man was in a stand-off with the police and he kind of just threw fire out at everything in his way, including my car.”
“What, with like a flamethrower?” He actually sounded interested.
“That sounds about right.”
There’s no way he’s going to believe it was a Chinese fire elemental inhabiting a man’s body.
“Huh. Well, I’m not sure about that. I don’t think we offer any coverage like that.”
“So what am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know. Try another insurance company?”
I hung up in frustration.